Continued from LAST WEEK
“Tell me how.” “Today, for example, on the 13th day of June, in the year of our Lord 2023, President Tinubu shall proclaim the inauguration of Nigeria’s 10th National Assembly and the lawmakers shall choose their own leaders.” “Very good. A major event immediately after President Tinubu’s first Democracy Day in office. Have you been reading the news?” “What about the news? Journalists are always spinning the news to suit their own biases and the expectations of their sponsors.” “Don’t say that. Journalists hold a mirror up to society. The leadership race in the National Assembly has been dogged by so-called party supremacy, the hypocrisy of the political elite, rancour, corruption, division and manipulations. Quite typical.” “Nothing will happen. It shall be well. The APC has spoken. Tinubu has spoken.” “Spoken what? Are you not aware that there are aggrieved parties who are ready to assert the independence of the legislative arm of government? In fact, are you not aware that the Chairman of the ruling APC advised the anointed persons for positions of presiding officers to arrive early at the Assembly or camp out there overnight to prevent what happened in 2015 under similar circumstances?” “What happened in 2015?” “Go and find out. You see why this country needs to teach History at all levels? A grown-up man like you does not know the contemporary political history of his own country.” “Don’t insult me. Please leave history alone. Am I looking for a job in the civil service? Am I going for a Quiz competition? As we speak, do you know how much would have been distributed overnight to all the aggrieved lawmakers? Money talks, my brother.
As money speaks, the numbers will add up. I am hungry, please. Where can we find something to eat?” “Go to Oye-Ekiti where Damilola Adeparusi, aka Chef Dammy is trying to break Hilda Baci’s 100-hour cook-a-thon. I hear she has been cooking for more than 80 hours and that her target is to beat Tata Tandon and Hilda Baci. In Oye-Ekiti, food is ready.” “Nigeria is a wonderful place. We haven’t even heard from the Guinness Book of World Records on Hilda Basi’s marathon effort, now someone else is trying to compete with her for the record.” “I don’t think Dammy is competing with Hilda. Imitation, they say, is the best form of flattery. You better start heading towards Oye-Ekiti. I am sure there would be piping hot amala and pounded yam on offer.” “There is a difference between a cook and a chef. Hilda looks to me like a chef. I would say Dammy is a cook.” “There is no such difference. Both prepare food for human consumption.” “Flavour is important. You want to compare food that is prepared in Oye-Ekiti to food that is prepared in Lagos? You want to compare Maybach to Toyota Corolla?” “Come off it, my friend. Both ladies deserve to be encouraged.” “Okay, if you can’t go to Oye-Ekiti, maybe you can make it to Ibadan where I hear one Temitope Adebayo has also announced plans to cook for 140 hours to beat both Hilda Baci and Dammy. At this rate, they will turn this whole country into a kitchen oh. It has even been reported that Woli Arole is also looking for a place in the Guinness World Record. He is looking at a 5,000-hour prayer marathon. He says he will announce a commencement date very soon.” “Lobatan ooh. Nigeria, we hail thee! As some people are cooking, others want to pray. Do you think all this cook-a-thon, praya-thon has anything to do with the removal of fuel subsidy? Is there money attached to the Guinness World Record? Are Nigerians depressed?” “I don’t know. But in case you change your mind, just make sure you don’t eat ponmo anywhere, no matter how well prepared.” “Ponmo ke? You can’t be serious. I like my ponmo, especially when it is soft, well-peppered, subsumed inside vegetable sauce, and combined with snails, both exciting the palate in a manner that makes you forget all the troubles of the world.
Then give me palm wine or a chilled bottle of Shine Shine Bobo, Star Lager to push it down the guts…” “Ole! Just don’t go and kill yourself. The Federal Ministry of Agriculture has advised that people should stop eating hides, smoked meat and bush meat because of an outbreak of anthrax disease in the West African sub-region. You will just fall sick by eating what you are not supposed to eat.” “Na lie. I have been eating ponmo since I was a child. The Federal Government guys think they can lie to us to save animal hides and skins for leather production. They lie too much. The leather and tannery industry in Nigeria is practically dead. They want to stop our delicacy so they can get more materials for export. I am sure somebody in the Ministry is looking out for his or her own interest.” “Just be careful. You may not trust government. But it is not every time that they tell lies for selfish reasons.” “Don’t worry yourself. I can’t travel to Ibadan or Oye-Ekiti just to go and eat ponmo. The food won’t be free, anyway. And it is expensive getting petrol Democracy Day notes Continued from LAST WEEK these days.” “Nigerians are not protesting. We all seem to have adjusted. The beauty of this country lies in the people’s resilience. No matter what hardship life throws at us, we all manage to survive. We are under a special kind of spell.” “We are just people of hope, that’s all. Which is why it bothers me to no end that some motorcyclists in, as far away as Cameroon are already protesting over the removal of fuel subsidy in Nigeria. I saw a video in which they were purportedly abusing President Tinubu for removing fuel subsidy. What is their own in the matter?” “There you have it, a strong justification for the fuel subsidy removal. Nigeria practically subsidises fuel consumption in other West African countries. We are the Father Christmas of the region in everything because our leaders have not implemented the right policies over the years. If we get things right, we would be fine. Cameroonians are fighting over fuel subsidy removal in Nigeria. Can you imagine that, when state governments in Nigeria are beginning to ask people to work three days a week, because of fuel subsidy?” “Which states are those?” “Edo and Kwara. But it looks like other states will soon join the bandwagon. Edo has added N10,000 to the minimum wage in the state but what is N10,000 when organised labour is asking for a minimum wage of N200,000.” “Increasing the minimum wage won’t solve the problem.
There are far more fundamental issues that must be addressed, and they have made the mistake of putting the cart before the horse.” “They?” “Tinubu and his people. You know I have always said I don’t understand why anybody would want to be President of Nigeria at this time. The trouble in this country is too much. As you are trying to solve one, another one is rearing its head.” “But we all need more money at this time. In fact, the private sector should be asked to increase the minimum pay too.” “It is a double-edged sword. If businesses are compelled to increase wages, they may have no option but to sack workers. There will be massive lay-offs. Government itself may not be able to pay. Chaos. Wahala.” “There is money. President Tinubu has just approved students’ loans. He made that promise. He has kept it. He did not just hit the ground running. Omo, he is beginning to fly!” “Why are we like this in this country?” “Just watch. Tinubu may turn out to be the magician we have been looking for.” “I have no opinion on that, until the matter before the tribunal is resolved.” “Dey there oh. Keep waiting. No be Nigeria?”
• Reuben Abati, a journalist and former presidential spokesperson, writes from Lagos.
